....for a break up is Missy Higgins's "Where I Stood." It's definitely a "I want to break up in the gentlest way possible" song and I cried my eyes on Saturday thinking that this was exactly how I've been feeling lately towards my 3 year relationship. I was prepared Saturday night to have a serious conversation with my boyfriend and maybe (if he failed to convince me otherwise) that we would break up. The problem, however, came when he recounted what he learned earlier in the day about his sister. Apparently she suffered a horrible experience as a child but their parents appeared to have ignored the situation. I was completely horrified with what he told me and shocked. I've met his parents several times and could not believe that they would just simply ignore something so serious.

Between what happened between him and his parents when we visited them during my Spring Break and what he told me about his sister I felt that that moment was not an appropriate time to talk about breaking up. I'm not sure if I want to talk to him about it tonight (I have to wake up early for school tomorrow, I have a test and early meeting w/an adviser). At the same time I feel that I have to talk to him about our future. I don't want to drag this out longer than it should.

For now I just keep finding comfort in this song:

Missy Higgins "Where I Stood"
I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

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I feel so disgusted right now both with myself and someone else. Looking back I can see something I regret but so far have not experienced any negative consequences. By now it seems as though I am safe and that perhaps my risk may be smaller than I feel it is but it's still a risk I told myself I would never take.

I wish I could have been the person I am now 3 years ago. But it's probably because of the experiences I've had these past 3 years that I am who I am now. It's only looking back that I can really see my stupid moments, the decisions I made that with hindsight make me frustrated I actually made them.

Maybe what I'm feeling is just the burst of my fantasy bubble, just disappointment in learning that what I assumed or tricked myself into believing isn't true. Is it wrong to sometimes wish you hadn't learned the truth about something? Does it make me seem less intelligent or mature to wish that in some aspects of my life I regret learning the truth? The old cliche saying seems so true to me in this situation, "ignorance is bliss."

OR maybe I just feel betrayed even though I probably wasn't lied to, just never bothered to actually inquire and instead jumped straight to assuming a different answer. The whole "fantasy bubble" would explain the sense of disappointment while the sense of betrayal explains the immense sense of disgust.

Maybe it's both. Maybe I'm just overreacting.

Either way, I felt much better while I was ignorant.

This little psychologist-wannabe needs someone to be analyzed herself.....

-Natalia

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Last weekend I flew up to Seattle, Washington to see Spencer (my boyfriend) one last time before he's shipped off to the Sandbox (Iraq) for 10 months. Before I went to see him I was practically convinced that I was going to break up with him. I kept thinking that 10 months is too long (it would be longer before I would even see him, that's just when he SHOULD get back) and since he said that he would have less free time during this deployment, I figured that our relationship would deteriorate while he was gone anyway so better to end it now then while he's over there. 

I couldn't do it. The hardest thing to do is breaking up with someone you still have feelings for without them doing anything wrong. We had a talk my last day with him and we both agreed it was silly to break up because we might break up in the future. However, after I got home he found out and told me that he might be out of complete contact for months at a time (previously we were just expecting to be out of contact for days at a time). He won't know for sure what he'll be doing over there until he actually gets there in about 2 or 3 weeks. I've decided that I'll let him choose what direction our relationship takes. If he wants to stay together (despite almost no contact for a year) I'll wait and be faithful until he comes back. I know that sounds crazy but even if we're not meant to spend the rest of our lives together I will always love him and I care about him enough as a person to make this sacrifice for him while he's sacrificing his entire life. We've been together for 2 years and looking back our relationship has helped shaped me into a more mature and much, much better person than I was before so no matter what happens, whether we break up or something worse, I will always be grateful for dating him. He means so much to me that even if our romantic relationship fades I hope we always remain friends.

As for now we'll just continue to go on as we had for the past 2 years and when the time comes we'll deal with whatever obstacle there is. If we break up we'll do it civilly and I'll still support him while he's gone just as much as  I will if we stay together.

-Natalia